Telling our girls…

Mickey and I struggled over whether we’d tell our girls about the unfathomable tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut.  Truthfully, we didn’t want to have to tell them. Who wants to tell their kids that we live in a world where such evil exists? No parent, that’s for sure.

From the onset of when the news broke, we made a conscious decision to avoid most media because, honestly, our opinion is that the shooter’s name should never be released as to give any fame or even infamy. We also didn’t want to see video or other footage of what should be private grief. We believe that there can be too much information given, especially in circumstances like these. It is horrible enough to deal with without private moments being broadcast all over the world. Without getting on a soapbox, I’ll just say that we have only seen limited newspaper coverage and no television coverage of this tragedy, by choice. So, we knew that our girls didn’t see or hear anything that way.

Mickey and I  talked quite a bit on Friday and Saturday and struggled to make a decision on if we should tell the girls and, if so, how and when do we tell them. Yesterday my friend Valerie forwarded an email from a second grade teacher at our school and it really encouraged me to talk to the girls. In a nutshell this teacher pointed out that the students WILL hear this somewhere and it’s better to prepare them at home so that they are equipped to deal with it when/if they hear it on the bus, at the lunch table, at recess or wherever. She encouraged parents to make sure the children know it’s okay to be sad, but to also remember that they are safe. I took her words to heart. One, she is a parent and a grandparent, so I know that she would only give advice that she would use in her own family. And, two, she has been a teacher a long time and has a heart for what she does, so I know her best interests are with the kids. Given all that, we decided to talk to our girls this morning.

After our blessing at breakfast, I told the girls that we needed to talk to them about something sad. I asked if they heard anything about the tragic events on Friday and Macey mentioned that a friend had already told her. I used that opportunity to remind her that ANY time she hears anything like that from a friend that she needs to come to us and talk about it immediately. I’m certainly not upset that a friend told her, and she knows that, but I would like to know what she hears so that we can make sure of what she hears and help her process. Mariana had not heard, so we told them that a bad man broke into a school and killed some children and staff members on Friday. To say that I hated having to sit there and tell my children that is an understatement. My heart broke all over again, but I didn’t cry. I knew I needed to hold it together. I told the girls that it’s okay to be sad and that we are all sad right now. I told them, unfortunately, there is evil in this world and that is why we need Jesus in our hearts. I told them that I know that if anything ever happens to me, I don’t have to be afraid because I have Jesus in my heart and that no matter what, I’ll be with Him. Both girls seemed to really absorb that, thankfully. I also told them that they are safe in their school and that we trust in that. We talked about the heroic act of the principal who gave her life defending those children and how she didn’t HAVE to do that, she could have run, but she did the right thing and saved lives. We went on to encourage them not to be the ones to tell their friends because they won’t know who has heard and who hasn’t, so we just asked them not to be the ones to tell others. Most of all, we reassured them, again, that they are safe. It wasn’t a long conversation, but I am proud of the way the girls handled it. Mariana said it made her heart hurt and Macey said it made her stomach ache, so I know that they feel sadness and compassion, but that they also feel security which is what I would want for them. I want them to hurt for those that hurt and, yet, I want them to be feel secure every bit as much as they can.

If you have children and haven’t decided about telling them what happened on Friday, I encourage you to do so. As parents, these are some of the most difficult conversations we’ll ever have to have with our kids, but we are their front line and we are their security, so it’s our job to make sure they hear it in a way they can process. I remember coming home freaked out in elementary school when I heard tales of nuclear war at school. That memory also gave me reason to make sure that our girls hear this from Mickey and me to let them process it with us and in the comfort and security of our home.  Of course I wish we never had to have this conversation, but I am thankful that we could offer our girls a chance to talk about it and deal with it with us. (My friend Sandy who is a school psychologist shared this link on her Facebook, so I’m sharing it here too: How Children Cope With Trauma and Ongoing Threat. ) It’s not an easy conversation to have, but we all need to prepare and equip our children for what they are bound to hear. I wanted to avoid telling our girls at all, but I know that talking to them and letting them have that time to talk about it with us was the right thing to do.

Our thoughts and prayers continue to be with those in Newtown, Connecticut.  We mourn with the nation and pray for them all.