One week ago today, I was on “day shift” with my Pop as he was recuperating in the hospital following his hip breaking and requiring surgery. What I didn’t know then was that it was his last full day on this earth. What I did know was that we had a good day just being together.
Let me back up some. On Sunday, January 18, I was at church and received word from my mom that Pop’s hip had broken and that he, Gran and Mama were in the ER. I decided then to head down to be with them, about 200 miles away. The girls were in Sunday School, so we let those in charge at church know that Mickey was running me home and would be back. We rushed me home, I packed and got on the road. When I got there, he was in the ER still, but in pretty good spirits, all things considered. He finally got moved to a room and we were told surgery would most likely be the next day. He had surgery on Monday, considered high risk, and even though his BP dipped and he had to spend time in PACU afterward, he came through it. When he woke up he told us the worst was behind him which I thought was pretty darn amazing considering all things. But, really, that wasn’t a surprise because he was always so strong. Mama, Gran and I set up a rotating schedule so that we would have one of us with him, at least, at all times, at the hospital while the others rested and took care of things at the house. I had originally planned to go home on Wednesday, but it worked out that I was with him at the hospital that day and I am so thankful that I had that time.
We started our day with some John Wayne on Netflix because he was missing his favorite station, The Westerns Channel, at home. As we were watching “Hondo” on the iPad, PT came in to work with him for the first time. That was a challenge for him, but he did not complain. It wore him out though. So, once he got from the bed to the recliner in the room, he rested a good while. I decided to snack on a pack of peanut M&Ms I had in the room. Well, he heard me open the pack and said, as only he could, “Whatcha eatin’, Boo?” So, I told him…M&Ms and he wanted me to bring him some. And, I did. I wasn’t able to coax him into eating much of his lunch besides ice cream, prior to that, but I was nonetheless happy to share my M&Ms with him. He and I always shared an affinity for “junk” food anyway. Eventually, PT came back and he moved back to bed which was painful and exhausting, but, as usual, he did not complain. He just did it. By this time I was able to find “Bonanza”, followed by “The Rifleman”, on tv, so that was a good thing for him. I was also able to wash his hair using a special microwaveable shower cap they have in hospitals and I put lotion on his hands and face (which he loved), so we had some “spa time” also. I told him I had to get him all cleaned up for his woman since Gran was coming in later to spend the night. We didn’t talk all that much, really, but we had a really good day. He told me I don’t know how many times that he didn’t know what he/they would do without me and I told him he wouldn’t have to find out because I was there. I held his hand and kissed his head, told him he was my “baby” and I wanted to take good care of him. The last time we had to move him to change him (remember: his hip was broken and repaired, he was immobile), the nurse tech and I noticed he had a more difficult time with it. Even though Gran was there by that time, I just couldn’t leave until he was breathing more steadily. Eventually, he was and I still didn’t feel super keen about leaving, but I knew I needed rest as did he and Gran. And I knew he was in good care. I left with a full heart just grateful for the time we had and that he had a pretty good day, all things considered.
Well, around 12:30am I got a call from Gran that I needed to get Mama and come to the hospital – Pop wasn’t breathing. I raced out of bed, threw on clothes, went to Mama’s to get her and we went to the hospital. We held out hope that he had been revived, but…he hadn’t. He just wasn’t able to keep breathing. He earned his heavenly homecoming in the very early morning hours of Thursday, January 22, 2015 – nine months to the day after Lawrence passed away. Needless to say, we were all in a state of shock as none of us had any inclination that he would go on then. But, really, I’m glad we didn’t know for a variety of reasons. And, we all trust God’s plan and provision. Even in our personal sorrow and grief, we have to remain thankful that he did not suffer and that he is whole again in the presence of God. Grief is for those of us left here, not for those who have gone on.
One week ago I had a day with my Granddaddy that blessed me more than I will EVER be able to put into words. To feel his hand in mine, to help take care of the man who cared for me all my life, to just be there and be with him — well, that’s something I will never forget and always be thankful for in my life.
Pop’s sudden passing has left me with a sadness in my heart because I just flat out miss him. I miss calling the house and hearing him say “Hey, Boo” in the background. He didn’t really want to talk on the phone, but he wanted to know all about our days and adventures. He wanted to hear about what the girls were up to. He loved us. That man LOVED his family, so much. And we love him. That’s why it’s so hard that he’s not with us anymore.
I know how blessed I am that I had him for forty and a half years of my life, trust me. But, I also now that there won’t ever be a day of my life when I won’t wish he was still with me. That’s selfish, I know, and I honestly don’t wish him back from the glory of heaven, but I just can’t help missing him here. If that makes any sense at all. See, he wasn’t “just” a Granddaddy. He was so much more. He was always so involved and present in our lives. He as a stronghold in our family. He leaves behind a hole that no one could fill, really. It’ll take time to learn to live with that “new normal” and we can only do that by God’s grace and comfort.
In this last week and a half, we’ve had a great outpouring of love, support and prayer from family and friends. I can’t even say how much that has meant because the words, phone calls, cards, meals, texts, etc. have really gone above and beyond to give us comfort and peace. THANK YOU to those who have reached out and shown us your love. We’ve needed it and continue to need it as we go forward without our beloved Pop. If you ask me how I’m doing, I’m most likely to say “okay” because, well, that’s about the state of it. I’m just okay. Some days, some hours even, are better than others. But, I’m doing okay. God’s sustaining grace is carrying me. I trust a day is coming when the grief won’t feel so enveloping, but for now I’m just working through it all and try to let daily life keep me busy and distracted.
I do want to say a few things as advice, for those who need it:
- If you have grandparents or older parents, take time with them. Call, visit, etc. You’ll be so glad you did.
- Always ALWAYS tell your loved ones that you love them, even if you have to say it first.
- When someone passes away, even if you think you don’t know what to say to the family, say something. Even the “simplest” of messages have meant a lot to us. Just to know that you’re thought about and cared for helps.
- This goes with the above, but don’t wait until it’s too late. Visit, say what you need to say and be present with your loved ones. The value in that is indescribable.
Again, THANK YOU, for the outpouring of support we’ve received as a family. Your continued prayers and love are much appreciated.
I’m closing with the slide show of photos Mickey and I made for Pop’s funeral. Wasn’t he always so handsome? He was a faithful, devoted and loving family man and we will miss him until we see him again one day.
We love you always, Pop…
Boo & Family